In a past work life, I not only forced the good people I worked with to watch "The Bachelor", I also subjected them to my thoughts about each episode. I'm no longer working with those fabulous peeps, but I still have things to say.
And so....here are my thoughts on the Shit Storm formerly known as The Bachelorette, by Dori Robinson Smeltzer
It's unfortunate that the producers decided to sift through rejected applicants from ALL the prior seasons and bring them back to woo Kaitlyn. But it is what it is. I honestly think poor Kaitlyn would have better luck finding a decent partner at a bar in Sully, Iowa (and there is no bar in Sully) So, you catch my drift.
As the season progresses, I will develop monikers for everyone on the show, but it's too early for that. For now, you will have to deal with my random thoughts. If you have difficulty with this, call my husband Hot Dave. Much like JJ, who offers classes in sabotage, HD can offer lessons in random thoughts.
Jared: Cheekbones/Black Eye. Willing to be punched repeatedly. I want to like him, but sometimes I think his eyes are crossed. And that his hair needs a good shampooing.
Shawn: HOT HOT HOT. He has a very tall head that reminds me of an eraser. Strangely, I think I'm okay with it.
Tanner: Needle Nose. Looks like a country singer.
Chris: Already named Cupcake, for obvious reasons. DOES ANYONE SEE THE IRONY IN KAITLYN CHOOSING A DENTIST????? It’s too bad he is probably gay. That could cause problems down the line, but if she can get a new grill, it's worth it.
Justin: No name. His only distinguishing feature is his shiner. He needs to step up his game. Half of the men in the house have black eyes. Set yourself apart with a cut lip or a broken arm, man!
Ian: BIG TALL GLASS OF CHOCOLATE MILK
Joshua: Hot Welder slash Boy Next Door
Joe: Okay, at first blush, I thought he was a. a serial killer and b. wearing a very tall hair piece. That aside, this Kentucky dude has been growing on me. Perhaps it was his willingness to air his left nut on national television…I can’t put my finger on it. Ewwwww. Wait. I didn’t mean on his nut. I mean, I guess I COULD technically put my finger on that, but I’d rather not. In any case, Kentucky Joe Nutter Butter is a true contender.
Tony: Healer Has A Dealer. Tony wants us to know he has a business, a dog, and bonsai trees. And…..a serious anger management problem. He has the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul, and he sees the world thru the eyes of a child. As we all know now, he took his childish eyes and left the show….for which I am very thankful. I like that he said he was on the show to help people understand what they really want. Hey, Tone. You know what I really want? For you to get a haircut. And shove one of your bonsai trees up your gypsy soul.
JJ: No name, because he isn't worth it. I hated him on sight. And with every second I had to watch his smug mug, I hated him more. Also, what is a “former investment banker”? Does that just mean “formerly employed”?
I realize I didn't catch them all, but eventually it will happen if they survive the next rose ceremony. Side note: wouldn’t it be funny if they called it the Bros Ceremony? I’ll work on that.
Now let’s talk about the dates, starting with the Sumo Idiocy, aka, Nuts And Butts On Parade.
For a brief second (and before I realized Clint is shorter than my five-year old), I thought he and his topknot were looking good. Cupcake was clearly terrified about chipping a bicuspid. NOTE: Someone used the phrase “man meat” during this date. If you are a God-loving citizen, you WILL work that into a sentence or two this week. Example: Whoa, I’m so glad I don’t have man meat. That would be like a long trip on the Struggle Bus.
Tony may have the heart of a warrior, but he also had a very unsettling crease in his man diaper. After smack talking and then wildly attacking the 600 pound man, he was beaten. And then he traded in his child eyes for some angry, bitter eyes. He wanted to know why everything was about aggression....and all of his questions were shouted in...yes, sheer aggression. He and his uncomfortable crease want to go on a boat ride, or perhaps sky diving. Those ideas sound ridiculous, but since he is currently wearing a loincloth, I can’t really blame him. Big thanks to Kaitlyn for subjecting everyone to Tony deep breathing to keep his primal instincts at bay, followed by a quick moment of meditation, followed by hawking up a giant loogie. Is this a new form of relaxation? Hmmmmm.
Now is the time of where I tell you what Tony says, and what I secretly say back to him from my couch:
Tony: “I want you to see the real me.”
Dori: “Dude. That is the LAST thing you want. We would rather see Kentucky Joes Jewels than the real you.”
Tony: “I’m here for you.”
Dori: “You are actually here to flex your six pack on television, and to steal hair products from the other men.”
Unfortunately, my private couch moments with Tony were interrupted when I noticed that JJ HAS BACK ACNE. Only mean people have back acne. Or people with short arms, because they can’t properly reach their backs. In either case, he potentially has back acne AND short arms. No. No. A thousand times NO.
Thankfully, they clicked right through the rest of the sumo scene, with Clint quickly kicking everyone’s ass and then taking a selfie with a bunch of girls in the background. This is confusing on so many levels that not even I can speak sarcastically about it. Later, back at the hood, Clint decides that since he threw a bunch of other (tall) men on the ground that he deserves special recognition. Hate to break it to you, Clint….Kaitlyn is too busy tongue wrestling with the other men in the house to worry about you.
JJ, meanwhile, is wearing some seriously bad pants. So we now know he is unemployed, has back acne, short arms, and also bad pants. And although Clint is acting like he wants to put a ring on it, I’m here to tell you that no truly gay man would wear pants THAT BAD. Trust me on this, people. Clint and JJ bonded over turtles and wrestling moves. Oh, and clearly, shared showers. (Psssssst. JJ!! That was NOT a turtle!!)
Kaitlyn and Benzie had a one on one date. Yeah, I know it’s Ben Z. But isn’t Benzie cute? Who doesn’t love this handsome devil? And who doesn’t think that the Basement date was stupid and pointless? What kind of gas were they REALLY going to shoot into the room? Unless they had Britt outside lined up to fart into a tube that was piped directly into the room, I’m not feeling it.
I can sum this date up quickly – Benzie is clearly a descendant of Angela Lansbury with his clue solving skills. He’s afraid of snakes. Kaitlyn has an aversion to doves. None of these facts stop them from engaging in a make out sesh in the Terror Room. Then finally, Benzie and Kaitlyn get in the hot tub. That took long enough! Benzie tells his story about his mom, making me love him all the more. Forget Kaitlyn. Forget Hot Dave. I am going to marry Ben Z. Or adopt him. Or move to Missouri and do both.
Second Group Date – Sex Ed Gone Wrong, aka POOR PARENTING CHOICES ARE REAL. I don’t care if they ARE child actors, this is too much.
This whole scene made me so uncomfortable as a parent that I’m keeping my comments brief. Ryan. Where did he come from? He has great hair, and is clearly a vagina expert. Although I've dated men for less, I think Ryan will be returning to his real estate career quickly. Josh jumped right into Your Monthly Visitor with gusto. I admire that. True, I do wish he didn’t believe that tampons have a rip cord...perhaps cows feel differently, but I don't want a parachute in my swimsuit area. Do you? Then Ben H. came along and blew everybody out of the water. Well done, Ben H! I can’t stop picturing him as a giant sperm with legs, but I have that happen with a lot of people. It’s okay.
To wrap it up, Kaitlyn then made out with Jared. And then Clint. Gay or not, I can tell by the way he kisses that he has a weiner the size of a gherkin. Then she made out with Cupcake and Ben H. and probably the producers. Kaitlyn! Honey!! That’s enough, now. Save something for Episode 3.
As if Ben H. couldn’t be any cooler, he also said my favorite line of the night, “That was a big ten minutes.” Let’s all carry that forward. Tomorrow, we must each have a big ten minutes. I do NOT want to see pictures. Just do it.
Between now and next Monday, I’d like each of you to ponder the worst line of the night……A villians gotta vill. What does that mean? And if that is true, let’s consider other applications. It works at times…A drivers gotta drive. A shooters gotta shoot. But then, much like JJs bad pants, it goes awry. A pirates gotta pie, for example. A mustache has to must? A Bachelorette has to Bach? Yes. Batch JJ and Clint together and send them far, far away.
Until next week, my friends.
